I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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