Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
