God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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