i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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