im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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