Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
