She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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