wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm both gender and math confused
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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