There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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