I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My penis needs a shock collar
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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