I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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