I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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