I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
