if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
