if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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