People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
