And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
