I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
