I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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