You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
