I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
