Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
