I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
