Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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