i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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