HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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