either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Randomize
