I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
