who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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