This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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