If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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