the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize