Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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