I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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