I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
