I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
