The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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