is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
