I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
