I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
