i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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