its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
