when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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