my phone needs a breathalizer
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize