he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
