I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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