I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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