I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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