Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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