remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
