I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
