I'm gonna have a badass scar
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
