i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
God, I missed his penis.
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