Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
