I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize