everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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