12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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