Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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