You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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